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Strange things are afoot in our house this holiday season. A week or so ago, our one-year-old natural-gas-burning furnace went on the fritz. Suddenly, the computerized state-of-the-art gizmo we installed before last winter couldn’t get the house above 57 degrees. This, of course, is just before we’re hosting a small crowd of people for the holidays. It reminded me of the time a storm window mysteriously shattered next to the bed in middle of the night. Or the way our lights keep randomly not working, and then flickering back to life, and then not working again. (I don’t believe in things being haunted, or the supernatural. I repeat that sentence 10 times before I fall asleep every night.)

Anyway, on Sunday, the temperature plummeted down to around 50. The furnace is on life support, and until we get someone in there to fix it, we’re stuck.

The truly bizarre thing is, I’m the only one who seems to mind. Vaughn is only 7 years old, so his protective head-to-toe weatherproof coating is still under warranty. And Ann is a character who wandered in straight out of the 18^th century Irish frontier. She would have been fine in the days when they heated a house for a day with single clod of sheep dung. If you dropped her blindfolded into the middle of the wilderness, she could easily sustain herself for weeks on wood-boring insects and leaf litter.

So I’m the only one who seems to mind. To entertain myself between shivering fits, I’ve come up with this top 10 list. With apologies to David Letterman, here goes.

Top Ten Reasons I Know the House is Really Chilly

10. Kim Jong-un called, is interested in leasing the upstairs as a new North Korean gulag

9. Mysterious lumps in the bed turned out to be frost heaves. (I have no idea what those actually are. I just love the term frost heaves.)

8. Ann said she actually needed something to warm up, so she had her yak milk with no ice

7. The Green Bay Packers called, want to practice on the dining room carpet as a way to simulate the frozen tundra

6. Frost cracks appeared on the artificial Christmas tree

5. Seven Generations Charter School officials called about renting classroom space in the basement, citing the fact that no mold can survive in sub-arctic conditions. (Sorry, parochial humor.)

4. Icicles falling from the mantle tore down the Christmas stockings

3. Mice that had snuck into the house when autumn arrived were seen trying to tunnel back out last night

2. Vaughn mistakenly left the freezer door open, and the house actually warmed up a few degrees

1. When Santa dropped down the chimney, he paused, looked around, and said, “WTF, dude?! This place is freezing!”

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 20th, 2011 at 3:05 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.